What’s the point of being observant if you’re not going to make fun?
“When you walk out of a psychiatric hospital without your shoelaces, we’re your people.”
When you have a pair of Dearfoams® on, nothing you say is going to be taken seriously.
Princesses don’t even have to go to the bathroom. They just sit on their wonderful chairs all day.
— 5 yr old J.P.
I went on a voyage of self-discovery and identified a previously unknown species of stupidity.
Wondering whether to hyphenate “bigly” or how to quote Jesus without offending the President? Our grammarian leads you through the thickets of writing in the Age of Trump.
[Read more…]I got the alert on my phone, so I knew it was coming. I would have to close my laptop and walk out of my social-deviance and social-issues class. I’m back in school at the JC trying to get my life together and maybe go for a criminal-justice degree. I quietly shut the clamshell, asked my elbow partner to watch my stuff, and discreetly left the auditorium. This was just a bathroom break, in a sense.
[Read more…]Several months ago, I wrote about how U.S.A.’s civic culture – for all its aspirations to social and intellectual progress – has not been able to escape our distant civilized ancestors’ predisposition to engaging in human sacrifice. There is another dynamic at work, though, one that manifests itself with both liberals and conservatives in this country and thus demands closer inspection. In fact, it is an issue with any body politic in any country at any time. For an illustration of this dynamic, consider this passage:
[Read more…]Marjorie particularly liked to watch the sun rise over the mountains. Before each shift, she’d look up the exact time of sunrise and write it down on a sticky note that she’d put next to her keyboard. Then she’d try to get in a position to turn east at that moment without anyone noticing. It was one of those little breaths of freedom that got her through the day—like the first cup of coffee or the privacy in the bathroom stall.
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- Glee over a coworker’s paper cut
- Unwanted designs on your supervisor’s job
- A good intention equipped with its own/a paving shovel
- Unwillingness to compromise, ever
- Dear John/Jane letters
- Shockingly precise insults
- Eviction notices with change-of-address forms attached for convenience
- Subpoenas sponsored by Wilkins and Barra, discount criminal-defense attorneys
- The results of your genetic tests (If you’re still alive.)
- Regret at how you raised your kids
- Sadness over how your grandchild is being raised
- A sense that you’ve wasted your years/time
Dogs — you can starve them out. Cats — they’ll just die to spite you.
Oh to be a drone!
No energy
No trouble
Step in, no, step back
Relax, have a snack
Peel an orange or banana
While chaos reigns around
At work, at home, in traffic,
In my branch, at the discount store,
Oh to be a drone!
[Read more…]
I don’t recognize you, Horizontal Man,
resting on your Costco shopping cart.
You say that I ruined your trip?
So sorry.
But I got to stay an extra night.
Look where I am now.
Look at me now!
Vertical and climbing
Cavorting with the rest of them in Ross, C.A.
I’m sure you led a good life.
I’m sure you raised five or six kids.
Perhaps, you were huge in academia.
But I—I am me!
And you…you are wearing slip-on, drugstore shoes.
[Read more…]The Presidential Boy Detective and his cabinet arrive at the crime scene. They walk between police cruisers with blue and red lights flashing above their roofs. Someone lifts the yellow police tape and the old men, plus Sarah Sanders and Jared Kushner, shuffle under.
[Read more…]Republicans’ handling of the Kavanaugh confirmation is likely to have longstanding effects on the courts and the balance of political power in our country. But its greatest influence may be to start a radical democratization of employment practices across the country.
[Read more…]