Live as Carefree as a Man — GUARANTEED

Ladies — Are you tired of being victimized or feeling the threat of victimization wherever you go? Do you find yourself constantly guarding against attack or unwanted advances? Do you just not feel you’re getting the level of safety and security you want? Well, no more! Now, with the revolutionary “My Ugly Best Friend”™ drone, you’re no longer alone in the world, relying on that mythical idea, the decency of men. 

The My Ugly Best Friend drone is just like your real-life ugly best friend, who never attracts men and whose sole job is to make sure you’re OK. She’s a real cockblocker, and so is the My Ugly Best Friend drone. Rather than just screaming, “Leave her alone!”, gathering up your purse, and leading you by the hand away from a sexual hydra, the My Ugly Best Friend drone has state-of-the-art technology to ward off attack.

The My Ugly Best Friend drone adjusts to your exact security needs, flying above you quietly, watchfully. It goes unnoticed — like a bee — hovering in “Active” mode until someone approaches too close to your personal space. Using patented AI technology, the My Ugly Best Friend drone analyzes the approaching party’s face against those of your social-media contacts to decide if the party is friend, foe, or unknown.

If anyone other than a close associate is detected, the My Ugly Best Friend drone goes into “Alert” mode and scans for threatening movements. If it detects anything menacing — if hands are laid upon you, if a weapon is bared — the My Ugly Best Friend drone instantly switches into “Survival” mode and fires paralyzing Taser darts that immobilize your attacker. 

Drone up, guard down

Sometimes you might see a man who’s intriguing, and you want to get to know him. No problem! We’re not trying to end the species here. Just speak your safe word into your smart watch. My Ugly Best Friend drone goes into “Chaperone” mode, so you can get to know your potential next boy- (or non-binary!) friend.

Just listen to real customer Dinah Bell:

“My Ugly Best Friend drone gives me peace of mind when I’m in public. I can turn my back in the parking lot and load a 35-pound bag of kibble into my hatchback without fear of being hit over the head with a tactical baton. I can get my mail out of my mailbox and open my front door at the same time, because I no longer need my portable horn alarm in one hand. I can even jog to music without fear of being dragged into the shrubs and sodomized.”

Listen to real customer Ayianna Hernandez:

“I’ve tried other means of personal security, and none of them protects like My Ugly Best Friend drone. I used pepper spray once, and it fogged right back into my face causing me to shout out in pain! I had enough on my mind. I sure wasn’t paying attention to wind conditions while my nose and mouth were covered by a gloved hand.”

Why fumble for keychain weapons; worry about dead batteries in personal alarms; or have your rape whistle knocked out of your mouth? The My Ugly Best Friend drone has multiple layers of backup. No longer can a defendant claim your word against his, so says real customer Shelly McPeek:

“I had an assistant D.A. say to me, ‘We don’t believe you, because there’s no footage of the rape.’ And I said, ‘Well, actually, there is! My Ugly Best Friend drone caught it all on tape.’”

My Ugly Best Friend drone not only defends against violent attack, it also monitors your drinks and meals when you get up to use the restroom. No Special K seasonings or Liquid G shots to worry about!

Just listen to real customer Sunny Ngo:

“When I got My Ugly Best Friend drone, I felt secure in the world almost immediately. I stayed out late at night and woke up in the morning in my own bed, with my clothes on, bruise- and foreign-fluid-free.”

How about these words from real customer Krista D’Aquila:

“The day I got My Ugly Best Friend drone, I went to the grocery store and took books back to the library in safety. Before, there was always some guy who’d brush up against me needlessly in the beverage aisle or peer at me through the stacks and make disturbing noises.”

Getting things drone

The My Ugly Best Friend drone is a must-have for independent women in the technological age. Its data is one hundred percent admissible in court and has the endorsement of the National Axis of Sheriffs & Police, the American Restaurant & Hospitality Bloc, and even the Men’s Confederacy against False Rape Accusations.

We make all our drones right here in the U.S.A., creating thousands of jobs locally. We back them with a 60-day, money-back guarantee and a 10-year warranty. They’re even dishwasher safe!

Why risk harrowing, life-stunting violation any longer? Order your My Ugly Best Friend drone now!

Images

“Punch and Judy by George Cruikshank, 1828” — Photo by Paul K, FlickrCC https://www.flickr.com/photos/bibliodyssey/6266456803/