The Presidential Boy Detective and his cabinet arrive at the crime scene. They walk between police cruisers with blue and red lights flashing above their roofs. Someone lifts the yellow police tape and the old men, plus Sarah Sanders and Jared Kushner, shuffle under.
Jeff Sessions: Mr. President, the journalist who disappeared was last seen entering this house.
President: That’s great! Less fake news!
Sessions: No, Mr. President, someone has committed a serious crime.
President: I can pardon myself, you know. It’s in the Constitution.
Sessions: We’re not talking about you, Mr. President.
Jim Mattis: We need to find out what happened to that journalist.
John Bolton: We need to go in.
President: Do they have cable? The people on cable know everything.
Mattis: The country is looking to you for answers, Mr. President.
President: Right. I don’t brag but I went to great schools, Ivy League, I always did very well. I knew a lot. People always said that it’s amazing how many answers I knew. But nobody knows that.
Sessions: The country is grateful you’re on the case, Mr. President.
President: Good thing it’s not one of those liberals from an elitist college.
The Presidential Boy Detective waves for his golf cart and drives it all alon
Mike Pence: Look, Mr. President, a clue!
President: It’s red.
Pence: You’re right, sir! Very good, sir!
President: That’s a nice color for carpet. You know, I have the best eye. People don’t know this, but I go in and I can tell you the best color for any carpet if you want to really sell a place for way more than it’s worth. I’m in real estate, you know.
Ryan Zinke: It looks like blood, Mr. President.
President: Well, you can’t really know. How could anyone know for sure?
Sessions: The forensic report says it’s human blood, type A positive.
President: That doesn’t mean it was caused by humans.
Zinke: That’s right.
President: Could be natural.
Zinke: Yes, natural. It just happens without any humans causing it at all.
President: Or it could be marmosets. It could be caused by marmosets.
Sessions: We’ll follow up on that. Ask if anyone saw marmosets! Deport all marmosets!
Pence: The blood trail leads this way!
The cabinet rushes down the hallway toward a large sitting room. The Presidential Boy Detective fills the full width of the hall, but behind
Sessions: He could be dangerous. I’ll call in the FBI.
President: They’ll just say the Russians did it.
Jared Kushner and the suspect make eye contact. They both gasp.
Jared Kushner: I know him! It’s my friend MBS.
Mike Pompeo: Is that a knife he’s holding?
Kushner: It’s a slicing implement, maybe. More of a paring device.
Mattis: His hand is red!
President: You’re right, Mad Dog. I’m telling you if you put carpet in that color in here, that’s what they call “wow factor.”
Mattis: He must have killed the journalist!
President: Wait, everyone, I think I have solved this crime! This man—
Kushner: Mr. President, he owns this building. He’s in Mar-a-Lago
President: Well…
Mattis: He’s literally caught red-handed.
President: Now now, Jim. He might just be thinking of redecorating and looking at colors.
Kushner: He’s worth $100 billion.
President: In that case, the only way to find out the truth is to ask him quite sternly whether he did it. Mike, you ask.
Pompeo: Sir—
President: Look sterner, Mike. You’re being too cute.
Pompeo: [Growling] Sir, what do you have to say for yourself?
MBS: No murder occurred, and I had nothing to do with it.
President: Wait, I have a question.
Kushner: What is it, sir? You ask the best questions.
President: That’s true. Is that a settee you’re sitting on or an ottoman?
Sessions: Oh, definitely not an ottoman.
Kushner: A divan?
President: You’re right, Jared. God, you’re brilliant. I love a divan. Oooh, let me sit there, too. It’s firm. I like that. You wouldn’t think so, but I do. You can really bounce on a divan. I like it. Bounce. Bounce.
The blanket that the Presidential Boy Detective is bouncing on shifts, revealing the terrible secret hidden underneath. All shriek.
Pompeo: It’s the body!
Mattis: That man is a killer!
President: I won’t stand for more guilty until proven innocent. This is just like poor Kavanaugh. We’re making victims of all these men and there’s no direct evidence.
Presidential Boy Detective covers the corpse back up and resumes bouncing.
President: I mean look at him. He’s sitting on a divan with the president. Would someone who sits on a divan with the president of the United States—that’s me by the way—commit murder? It’s not possible. Look at him. I love him. He’s a very handsome man.
Pompeo: So who’s the real killer?
President: Isn’t it obvious?
Kushner: No, Mr. President. Your powers of deduction always amaze us. You knew that 3 million illegal immigrants voted in the last election when no one else could even see the evidence.
President: The journalist wanted to be a divan, or maybe some other kind of footstool. Why else would he be here under this blanket? And he crouched down here, and when he pulled the blanket over himself, he got this knife stuck in his side, which MBS here so kindly removed. MBS, I want to be the first to apologize to you for everything you’ve suffered from these despicable accusations.
As the body of the journalist is carted out of the house, Sarah Sanders faces the white-hot camera lights.
Sarah Sanders: The President solved the case. No right-thinking American can doubt that our Presidential Boy Detective loves law and order and truth and the American way!
A green Volkswagen with an Uber sticker in the window approaches at high speed. The driver tilts his head out the window. “Wait!” he calls. “Wait! I saw what happened!” But the car bursts into flames before he can say more, and the tv cameras swivel toward it to catch the inevitable explosion.